Monday, February 6, 2012

Warning Labels and Caution Tape

Everyone always jokes about the infamous McDonald's case where the lady sued them for her coffee being hot and burning her.  You know, the reason that now they have to label the fact that your coffee is hot because it burning through the cup and requiring you to use one of those cardboard things wasn't enough to give it away in the first place. 

Regardless, in light of the obvious labels that now have to take up excess space on packaging and increase prices for that whole extra inch of print, I have decided to make a few of my own labels that I think should be on various objects that one may encounter in daily life.

On shave gel:
  • WARNING: Standing like a flamingo in the shower may cause injury, broken bones, muscle sprains, and blows to your ego.
  • CAUTION: Using product in drafty bathrooms or with bipolar showers may cause skin to get goosebumps, leading to razor burn, bumps, cuts, and possible loss of confidence in dating situations.
  • DO NOT attempt to shave legs during episodes of hiccups, coughs, or in any instances of shaking.
Seriously, shave gel is dangerous.  And that is without the thought of the five blades giving you the closest shave or largest scar ever.  You practically have to be a gymnast or a contortionist to safely shave in the shower, especially in a college apartment.  There is no such thing as one of those fancy seats that you can sit on, there is always a breeze no matter what you do so you have to stay under the hot water and creatively stand on one leg and fold yourself up like an accordion to get all the angles.

But talk about a great workout.

Other warning labels I would add to life:
  • WARNING: Consuming Jenna's Italian cheese ball may lead to over indulgence, obsession, and possibly sickness if consumption of the whole ball occurs.
  • CAUTION: Sliding down a narrow hallway in socks may result in dizzyness, nausea, and potential bruises.
  • DO NOT attempt to use mascara when sick or prone to sneezing.  Mascara brushes to the eye will result in intense pain, possible cursing, and starting all over on your eye makeup.
  • NEVER try to argue with a girl to convince her something is a date.  If she says it isn't, it isn't.
  • IF you value your lungs, do not buy hairspray such as AquaNet.
Every day items, they will getcha.  I can see why a lot of women stop shaving after they have been with someone for a long time.  It is an accident waiting to happen.  You could slice a serious vein here.

Dear Scientists of the World, forget about the gene that can make chickens more like velociraptors, and find the gene that can switch off leg hair.  I'M BEGGING YOU! Put that crazy grant money to good use.  Pin It Now!

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